Jack and Jill Adopt

Pink Slip!

2007-07-12T19:40:00.000-04:00

Yay! We got our pink slip today. Our embassy appointment is Monday the 23rd. I can't wait to get our Kit home! I haven't posted in a while because (who knew) having an almost 1-year-old is exhausting! I'm thinking over a post on attachment which I will try to get to before too long. For now, I'll just say that we are all doing well, and very happy to be with our baby and an end in sight!

We finally have our son!

2007-07-04T17:06:00.000-04:00

The reality of Kit is overwhelming. Jack says it’s like taking care of a tiny drunk man. I knew the reality would be different and I didn’t even try to imagine much because I knew I would be wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy and I’m overjoyed with Kit. He is a real little person with a will of his own. He’s very mobile. He likes to crawl and creep and he walks holding on to our hands. He doesn’t have much balance yet (hence the drunk man comment), but I think he’ll be walking on his own soon. Hopefully we’ll be home before that happens. He also likes to babble, quite loudly. He’s found that the bathroom of the hotel has especially good acoustics.

We are in Antigua right now (if anyone reading this is in Antigua, I’d love to meet up!). Antigua is a beautiful town, very friendly to tourists and fostering parents. We’ve seen tons of couples with babies they are adopting. We’ve visited the supermarket and the main plaza, but it’s hard to get around too much with a 20 pound baby and a diaper bag that weighs almost as much. Today it started raining as we were coming home (as it does every day, it’s the rainy season), and all of the sudden we saw a huge deluge of muddy water running down the street. The street basically became a river. When we got to the corner, we saw we were trapped, unless we decided to walk through 5 inches of water. So we turned around (I was getting pretty tired by then) and when we saw one of the tiny 3-wheeled taxis we flagged it down. It got us back to the hotel safely.

The hotel is a bit of a challenge. It’s beautiful, an old colonial house with lovely old wooden furniture. Unfortunately, it’s not particularly baby-friendly. There is no bathtub, only a shower which has to run for several minutes to get warm water. We’ve bathed Kit in a couple of inches of water in the bottom of the shower. We had to rearrange the furniture to hide all the outlets and get the changing table away from a heavy old mirror he seemed to want to pull onto himself. We’re managing though.

Well, I’m tired, so I’ll leave it at that. I’ll post more later.

Oh by the way, Happy Fourth of July! Jack and I forgot what day it was.

Babies are hard work...

2007-06-29T16:22:00.000-04:00

...and ours isn't even home yet. Today Jack and I struggled with installing the car seat for an hour. We decided to buy one of those convertible models because we figured Kit wouldn't need a rear facing one for very long. Our car seat changes from rear facing to forward facing to booster seat. The only problem with it is that I think it was made with a giant SUV in mind. We have a petite Toyota Corolla. A lovely, fuel-efficient car, but not really big enough for our giant car seat. After much fooling around and despairing, we finally got it installed with less than an inch of wiggle. Whoever sits in the passenger seat will have to be short (Jack and I both are) and willing to sit quite upright. Still, Kit will be safe, and that's all that matters.

After that, I decided to tackle some babyproofing. I put in outlet plugs and installed bumpers on the corners of the coffee table, and then I decided to try cabinet latches. Well, I guess I'm just not that good at screwing things in. We have a saying in our family, evige umgang. It's German and it means going around forever. That's what the screws were doing. Not tightening, not boring farther into the wood, just spinning eternally. I finally got two latches installed below the kitchen sink and moved on to the bathroom. There, I found even harder wood! As I was trying to tighten a screw, the screwdriver slipped and I cut myself on the thumb. With a screwdriver! So tightening the screws by hand isn't going to work apparently, so it's time to break out the power tools. Let's see what kind of damage I can do with them!

The Black Pickup Truck

2007-06-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

Jack and I went to get our fingerprints done yesterday. It went fine and so we're all set if we don't get our embassy appointment before August 4th. After fingerprinting we went to Target to buy some stuff for our trip including a super cute little sun hat for Kit. It was on our way home that we had a bit of an adventure.

The drive home was about 2 hours. We could have done the whole thing on the interstate, but we decided to take a deserted, meandering back road. Besides not having any traffic, there are abandoned houses and defunct motels lining this route. As we drove along, I noticed a black pickup truck following us. They were a little close, but I didn't think anything of it. We drove by a restaurant where we had eaten once before, on the trip where I had my job interview for my current job (incidentally, this is the restaurant where I had my first ever hot turkey sandwich at the age of 25. Bliss!). On the spur of the moment we decided to stop for dinner. We had already passed the parking lot so we pulled into another parking lot to turn around. The black pickup turned in behind us. We drove back to the restaurant and parked. A few seconds later, here came the black pickup following us. It pulled up next to us and the driver stared at me. Then they pulled out and drove away. Over dinner, Jack's explanation was that maybe we had a taillight out an they were going to warn us. Mine was that they were serial killers and we had saved ourselves by pulling in at the restaurant. When we got out after dinner, we checked the lights and they all worked (insert scary horror movie music here)! This proves beyond any possibility of doubt that the people in the pickup were crazed killers.

Catastrophe Averted

2007-06-25T14:16:00.000-04:00

Jack and I just had a moment of blind panic. We realized that our fingerprints expire on August 4th, and there is a possibility that we won't have our embassy appointment by then. We need to renew our fingerprints or we won't get to take Kit home. We were afraid that we would have to mail out a refingerprint request and then wait for an appointment. I thought we wouldn't be able to go to Guatemala on Sunday and have to change our tickets again and pay huge $ for that. After digging around on the USCIS website and then Jack spending what felt like 2 hours working the automated maze of the USCIS phone system, we finally got a phone number for our local (that is only 2 hours away) USCIS office. I spoke to a nice woman who told us we could make an appointment online for tomorrow! So we will be driving two hours to get fingerprinted again tomorrow and we get to pay another $140 for the privilege! Still, we'll do anything we need to in order to make sure Kit gets home.

Last day of school!

2007-06-22T16:01:00.000-04:00

Today was my last day of school. I'm so excited! Four months until I have to start up again. Hopefully by then I'll be totally ready to go back. I have to go to graduation tonight which promises to be hot and tiring. The senior class makes a video where each student gets five minutes. Of course this stretches to much more than five minutes each. Thankfully we only have 32 seniors. It will still be verrrrry long though. I'm going to take my knitting. I'm making Kit a little sweater with cables. Go me! Cables! They're actully a lot easier than I feared.

10 days until Guatemala! I don't know how I'll survive.

Going to Guatemala!

2007-06-21T16:46:00.000-04:00

We have our tickets and will be on our way July 1st! I can't wait. Now we only have to get a hotel. Apparently something is going on in Guatemala City and all the hotels are booked. We're trying for one in Antigua right now.

Our lovely lawyer fixed the mistake PGN made, so now we are about a month away from our Embassy appointment. Keep in mind that this estimate is from our lawyer who told us at Christmas that we might be home by Valentine's Day. Still, it won't be long now. We also worked out the problem with our homestudy addendum. They will send it to us in Guatemala if it is not finished before we leave.

So now I just need to worry about getting my library cleaned up for the end of the year and writing lesson plans for my sub. I will be out until October 29th. That gives me a nice long time to be with Kit! Things are finally looking up!

Kit is crawling!

2007-06-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

Since we are going down to be with Kit soon, I asked my agency about his development. This is the reply I got:

You had asked me if your baby was crawling, eating solids, etc. He is crawling, he is standing in his crib too. He eats all types of mashed foods but mostly baby foods and cereals. He also uses a walker to get around.

What a naughty boy, standing in his crib! I can't wait to see him. I bet it won't take him long to start walking.

Nothing can be simple

2007-06-14T16:30:00.000-04:00

Apparently, nothing can go smoothly with our adoption. The only piece that went smoothly and quickly was our pre-approval. Our homestudy took months, we waited 3 months to get into PGN, PGN took 5 months and now our travel has to be delayed. Since the adoption is taking so long our stupid homestudy expired and needs to be updated. We had planned to travel to Guatemala the week of the 25th, but our social worker is on vacation next week and needs to wait for some of our clearances to come in. Why do they need our DMV records anyway??? So I don't know when our homestudy will be updated and we need that for the Embassy. In other news of delays, apparently PGN MADE A MISTAKE WITH OUR PAPERWORK. If that's not irony, I don't know what is. Our lawyer is getting it fixed but it needs to be corrected before we can get the amended birth certificate (which takes 3-4 weeks). No word yet on how long that will take. Still, I'm not nearly as discouraged as I was a few weeks ago. I know we will be with Kit soon.

To combat my depression after our meeting with our social worker, Jack and I went shopping. Our big purchase was a laptop. This will allow us to email people and keep up with blogging while we're in Guatemala. We bought a Toshiba. This is the first time I've owned a PC and I feel a bit of a traitor to Apple. My family has always been an Apple family since the first blocky Macintosh. However, the Toshiba was cheaper and will be compatible with the computers at work. I'm using it right now! So far I'm quite satisfied.

I also bought 2 dresses, 2 skirts and 2 cute shirts that I can wear when we're down in Guatemala. Were all the purchases necessary? No, but they made me happy! I wore a new outfit today and got some compliments. Amazing how such a shallow thing can make us feel good.

We're Out!!!!!

2007-06-07T19:08:00.000-04:00

We got out of PGN yesterday! I still can't believe it. I was really starting to think that it would never happen, that our adoption would drag on and on forever.

The phone rang at work between two of my classes. The secretary told me that my husband was on the line. I had a faint suspicion that it might be PGN, but I was pretty firmly convinced in my mind that our agency would call me, and I would be the one to break the news to Jack. So Jack says, "I was wondering... what would you think if we got out of PGN today?" So I started jumping up and down saying "Oh my god, oh my god, did we?" And he told me that we were out. So then I had to get off the phone quickly because my class was coming in. And then I was a little bit afraid that I had hallucinated the whole conversation, because it just didn't seem like it could be true!

One nice thing about working in an almost exclusively female workplace is that your coworkers get very excited about this kind of thing. I emailed everyone and I got lots of hugs and congratulations yesterday and today. I was walking on air, and feeling a little shaky.

I happen to be the kind of person that had trouble staying happy for long. I thought about Kit's mother and how she has now irrevocably signed away her right to raise her son. This must be a very hard time for her. I also started thinking about the logistical stuff we still have to do. We've got some forms to fill out and get notarized (does the paperwork ever end?), we've got to change our plane tickets and get a hotel, we need to pack. I'm also having brief moments of panic when I realize that an actual baby will soon be living in our house, under our sole care!

We intended to fly to Guatemala right after my last day of school, but we might have to put it off a little bit. Since the adoption has taken so long, our homestudy has expired and we need to meet with our social worker to update it. She does not have any time available for a few weeks. So frustrating! Our homestudy took forever in the beginning because that agency was so busy. We have time though, because we still have stuff to wait for on the Guatemala end.

First they amend Kit's birth certificate. They change it so that Jack and I appear as the parents. Personally, I do not agree with this idea. I don't like erasing his first parents. This is what Guatemala does, though, and we have to respect their practices. We have a copy of his original birth certificate which we will certainly keep in his life book. Getting the new birth certificate will take 3-4 weeks. Then Kit will get a passport which takes 3-4 business days. Finally, we will get an appointment at the US embassy in Guatemala which will be 1-2 weeks from then. This is the fabled "pink slip" because it's printed on pink paper (who knows why). So, we should be able to bring Kit home 4-7 weeks from now. He might be home for his birthday! Even if he's not, we'll be with him! We plan to fly down there as soon as we possibly can and then we will stay with him until we can come home!

Not Fostering

2007-06-01T16:00:00.000-04:00

Kit turned 10 months old on Wednesday. That makes me really sad because I thought he would be home by 9 months. Since the school year is coming to an end, Jack and I started thinking about fostering. We were a little worried about the logistics, who would take care of our house and cats, paying bills, renewing fingerprints. Our two biggest fears were finances and having to come back to the US after fostering for several months. How could we send him back to the Hogar? As Jack said, if we decided to foster we would have to commit to it for as long as it takes, no matter what.

On Monday my parents came over to celebrate Jack's birthday. They expressed their concern that Kit is growing up and the potential for attachment disorders and delays in healthy development is increasing. They pretty much convinced me that we just have to do the best thing for Kit and not worry too much about saving money for the future. They also offered us any help necessary (except moving to our isolated, small, conservative town). So basically I decided to contact my agency and find out what we had to do in order to foster.

My agency's response was that they don't recommend fostering before a case is out of PGN. I was frankly flabbergasted. What's the point of fostering if you wait until PGN approval? Of course we would do that, but I want to start as soon as possible. Their reasoning against it is that the wait is unpredictable so

A. Parents will get bored

B. Hotels are expensive

C. Parents might have to go back to work

They also said that the director of the Hogar would probably not give us custody of Kit.

Ok. It's a good point about having to leave your child. That kind of disruption would be terrible for the attachment process. What made me really mad though, was the comment about boredom. It's not about the parents getting bored. It's about doing what's best for the child. I am confident that the Hogar is caring for Kit very well, but nothing replaces the love and care of family. I wouldn't feel as anxious if he was with a foster family. But orphanage care, no matter how good, does not provide a child with what he or she needs. It seems however, that there is nothing we can do. So we're planning a trip down for when Kit turns 1 and hoping for a call that we're out of PGN soon. We will go to foster him then.

What NOT to do when you're adopting.

2007-05-17T16:39:00.000-04:00

Warning: This is a whiney post.

1. Tell ANYONE. I get so many people asking every day when I'm going to get my baby. I have to explain all over again.

2. Buy ANY baby clothes. Jack and I bought a bunch of cute clothes that Kit has now probably grown out of. It's depressing to think about.

3. Go out on Mother's Day. Stewarts was giving out free ice cream cones to moms. I felt sad when I looked at the sign.

4. Say "the baby will be here by next Christmas/Easter/my birthday/this time next year." This will jinx you.

5. Obsessively read other people's blogs. There is always somebody who's going to get their baby before you even though they started the process about a year after you did.

Ok. Now that I've finished venting I can be rational again. Of course you have to tell people. You need the support and love of others to help you through the wait. You also want to boast about your wonderful child who's coming. I also think buying baby things really helps with the wait. It's fun and it makes everything feel more real. I do recommend saving receipts for things the baby will grow out of, just in case. As for the blogs, I just can't help myself. And it does give me a little bit of hope that PGN is moving and people are still getting out. It will be my turn one day.

School Stuff

2007-05-10T16:50:00.000-04:00

I need to blog a little bit about stuff that happens at school. For those of you that don't know me IRL, I am a librarian at a small K-12 school.

1. Foul Language

Today I was told that I am "f*cking stupid." I guess it's not ok for the librarian to confiscate the date stamp that you have stolen. I guess kids should be allowed to stamp the table and other students "due May 18, 2007." Because if you tell them to stop and sent them back to their study hall, you're f*cking stupid. Too bad they never told me that in library school.

2. Gender Roles

I told a senior girl that over the weekend I mowed the lawn (ok, really only a section of the lawn, Jack wants me to be accurate) and my husband planted some flowers. "Isn't that role reversal?" She asked. Wow, I guess my school hasn't moved into the 21st century yet. Considering that we had a card catalog up until last year, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that people are old fashioned.

3. Gender Roles Part II

One of the 4th grade teachers was discussing her concerns about a male student of hers. Apparently he wears lip gloss and barrettes and he *gasp* volunteered to play the princess in their class play! She had to call his mother! Because he was acting like a girl! The horror! The other day this same student asked me if I was sick (because I had a cold and my voice was funny). I think I need to call his mom and tell her he is exhibiting suspiciously unmasculine compassion.

4. The stuff they tell me about their parents

2nd grader says, "My dad ate one of those big green moths and then he had to go to the hospital." When asked why he did this, the student responded, "he had been at the bar with his friends and they dared him to do it." I'm sure his dad wants me to know he's a lush!

From a 1st grader, "My dad's getting out of jail today!"

Kindergarten: "We don't have tv because my mom didn't pay the bill"

5. You mean you don't do it for free?

A conversation between me and a Kindergartener in the morning as I walk into the school building. Please note that this was in November and the child had seen me at work many times before.

Child, "What are you doing here?"

Me, "I work here."

Child, "You work here?"

Me, "That's right, that's why I'm here every day."

Child, incredulous, "Do you get paid to come here?"

Random Thoughts

2007-05-07T21:09:00.000-04:00

I had a nice conversation with the high school music teacher at school today. She gave me some clothes her son had grown out of and then we just chatted for a bit. As a "specials" teacher (library, music, art, PE, technology) there are issues that other teachers just don't understand. Like being underappreciated and invisible (whine, whine, whine). It's nice to vent with someone who understands. I have trouble making friends, so a nice conversation means a lot to me.

I was really sick with a cold this weekend. On Saturday I slept most of the day while Jack and his parents went shopping for plants. Jack loves to garden and I'm glad he does because if it were up to me, our lawn would be pretty boring. I like flowers, I'm just way too lazy to actually plant them and keep them up.

I felt a bit better on Sunday, so I finally decided to hem up the pants I bought about 3 weeks ago. After I had them all pinned up I tried them on to make sure the length was right. That's when I noticed that they are two sizes too big! How did I not notice this when I bought them? I can practically pull them down over my hips without unbuttoning them! It's too late to return them (I bought them at a store 2 hours away) so I will have to see if I can alter them a little. I am not a whiz at sewing, but I get by. Makes me feel a little silly though.

I love Stewart's Espresso Therapy ice cream. It has delicious chocolate covered walnuts (or maybe pecans?) and yummy espresso ice cream. It has definitely been a comfort food for me since it's gotten warm. I justify it by walking to the store to get it. Hey, I'm getting exercise, so it's all good!

I'm making something for my mama for Mother's Day. I can't tell you what it is, because she reads this blog. I thought I'd have my baby for Mother's Day, but no luck. I feel like I'm kinda in between. I really feel that Kit is my son, so in that sense I'm a mother, but I don't clean poopy diapers and all that yet, so practically, I'm not a mother yet. I think I will need some ice cream to get through Sunday.

Something that makes me sad and something that makes me happy

2007-05-03T19:02:00.000-04:00

I'm sad because Kit turned 9 months old on Monday, and I thought for sure I'd have him home by then. When we got our referral, the estimate was 6-8 months. Well, 8 months passed last Saturday, and we don't know when he will be home. If I had known it would take longer, I wouldn't be as sad, but of course there is no way to predict exactly how long and international adoption will take. I have to keep revising my "I hope he's home by ..." thoughts. Now it's "I hope we get out of PGN before Jack's birthday." That's May 25th. I think it's possible. That would be the 6th week that we were back in PGN after our previo. We'll see.

What makes me happy is Stiller Has. Jack was digging through the glove compartment of our car and found an old tape from my college days. My brother gave it to me. It's a group from Switzerland. Their music is extremely bizarre and it's all in Swiss German which is like German with a throat disease. I say that with extreme fondness and love. My mother (who by the way turned 60 the same day Kit turned 9 mos. Happy Birthday Mom!) is Swiss. She was born in Switzerland, and spoke Swiss German at home. She still swears in that language. Anyway, I listened to the tape and it brought me right back to those college days. I used to listen to it in the car on the way to visit Jack. I drove for two hours each way every other weekend to visit him. Oh I missed him so much in between! But those car rides are a great memory.

Depression

2007-04-27T20:48:00.000-04:00

I've had a hard week. I've really been depressed lately. The first thing that happened was I found out I did not get the new job I was hoping for. I really thought I would get it because they said I was one of their top candidates. I've just really been sad waiting for Kit. All I want to do when I get home from work is sleep. I don't feel like doing anything.

Then at the end of the school day on Wednesday something happened that put my suffering in perspective. A 16 year old student from our school died. He had cystic fibrosis. It was really a shock to a lot of us. It's always tragic when someone so young dies. He's been fighting this disease his whole life and trying to live a normal life, and now he's gone. I'm just imagining the horror his parents are going through. I don't know how they are going to handle it. The funeral is on Monday and most of the kids will go. I'm going to stay at school to help cover for other teachers who want to go.

Next week can only get better.

Update on Racism (Also a Potential Job)

2007-04-20T15:47:00.000-04:00

The day after I got that racist email and sent my reply, who should I run into unexpectedly, but the woman that sent it to me! We both sort of gulped and looked abashed. She said, "I got your email but I didn't reply yet. I want to apologize." Then she quickly changed the subject. It's been a few days, and I have not received an email from her. However, the apology was appreciated. It was awkward, but I am glad that I responded the way I did.

In other news I had an interview for a job! The job is in the state where Jack and my parents live and it's a slightly more urban area. I think it would be a better environment for Kit. The job itself is also quite attractive to me. It is a middle school, which is an age that I particularly like. The interview went well, and they called this morning to tell me that I am one of the top candidates. I will hear next week after they have called references. If there are two top contenders they will visit us in our current schools. I'm hoping to hear one way or the other next week so I can avoid a potentially embarassing visit. What if everyone at school finds out I applied for a job and then I don't get it? My failure will be public. Anyway, I'll keep you all updated.

Racism

2007-04-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

Today an acquaintance of mine sent me an email entitled "Proud to be White." I'm not going to post the content because I don't want hits from freaks. Basically the email was about how white people are discriminated against because we don't have White history month, or special college scholarships and that kind of bullshit. I was frankly apalled and disgusted by this email and could not figure out why my acquaintance sent it to me. I mean, she knows that I am adopting a Latino son.

I struggled for a bit about how to respond. As I have mentioned before, I am a pretty shy person. I wasn't sure how much of a fuss to make. Finally I came to the decision that I owe it to Kit (not to mention my own self respect) to protest this kind of thing. So this is the reply I sent:

I wanted to let you know that I was very offended by this email. I am speaking here as a human being but also as the (soon to be) mother of a child of color who will face discrimination and hatred in his lifetime. The email reeks of white privilege and a misunderstanding of what racism is. White people in this country have continually discriminated against and exploited people of color from the original inhabitants up to the current hatred of immigrants from Mexico. The majority of our culture is produced by and for white people. The majority of scholarships and other privileges go to white people. There is no need for special dispensation for whites because we already receive so many benefits. Our culture was founded on exploitation of people who are different. At times in our history this applied to Irish and Italian people as well. The only way to end racism is to accept all people. Setting ourselves up as “proud to be white” will only make matters worse.

I hope this email was meant as a joke or sarcastic comment. It would make me feel even worse to know that it was meant seriously. Either way, I have to ask that you don’t send me anything like this again.

I have not had a reply yet. I have to admit I'm dreading it a bit. Still, I feel like I did the right thing.

Another Freakin' Snow Day

2007-04-16T13:46:00.000-04:00

That's right folks, we had another snow day today which led to this amusing incident:

I decided to trek down to the school so I could submit the yearbook which was due today (unhappily I am the advisor for that particular club). I pulled on my boots and felt an uncomfortable fold of cloth in the toe of my right boot. I took off the boot and reached into it expecting to find that the insert had bunched up or something. Instead, I pulled out a dead mouse! That's right, I had found the mouse my lovely cat had been torturing two nights ago. She must have flipped the poor thing's corpse into my boot and lost it there. When I pulled it out, the cat immediately pounced on it again and growled at me when I tried to remove it. After much chasing and an attempt to bribe the cat with a treat (which failed miserably) I finally tracked the mouse down under the bed and disposed of it.

Usually I'm as happy about a snow day as any other teacher, but I was unhappy about this one because it means I miss out on a free day later in the year. My school district schedules unused emergency days around our vacations and we were supposed to have four day weekend for Memorial Day. Coincidentally, this would give me Jack's birthday off from school. Now, however, I will have to work (unless Kit comes home before then).

Still, there was one unforseen benefit to this snow day. If we had not had it, I probably would not have put my boots on until next winter. And what a nasty surprise that would have been...

Entitlement

2007-04-13T15:28:00.000-04:00

Before I get into my post, I just have to share the good news. We're back in PGN! This happened much more quickly than I thought it would, so I'm happy!

Now about entitlement. One of the things I like to do during the difficult waiting period is read about adoption. I read parenting books and also memoirs and biographies. There are TONS of these books out there! I really like reading them because they reduce the seemingly endless process to a few hundred pages. It makes me feel that there is hope and Kit will be home soon!

Anyway, I was reading Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption by Theresa Reid. I enjoyed the book, but there were some things that really bothered me. The main one was the author's sense of entitlement. I'm not talking about feeling entitled to raise and love your child, that is a necessary part of adoption. In this book, the author seemed to feel entitled to a child. She wrote as if the world owed her a child. And not just any child, a perfectly healthy little girl who looked just like her. She criticized her child's birth country and their adoption process. She seemed to feel that Ukraine should give her a child because they have children in need and she is a rich, successful American.

In my opinion, other countries do not owe Americans anything, least of all their most precious resource- children. We should feel privileged and lucky to be allowed to adopt a child from another country. As annoying and agonizing as the legal process can be, it is not our place to judge it. We are guests in this other country. They have the right to run their adoption process in the way they choose (if they have signed on to the Hague Treaty, they need to follow those guidelines but I don't want to get into that now).

Secret Blog Pal Gift!

2007-04-06T16:19:00.000-04:00

I got my presents from my secret blog pal today! I got a bib that says "Sorry to have kept you all waiting" and a sweet yellow t-shirt that says "Our family: made in the USA with American and Guatemalan Parts." I love them! Thank you so much secret blog pal! I can't wait until Kit gets home to wear them! The bib really makes me laugh.

(I guess this means I need to get off my lazy butt and get a present for my pal!)

Roller Coaster

2007-04-04T17:16:00.000-04:00

When I got home from school yesterday, I was feeling pretty down and depressed. I had been feeling this way for the last few days. Then I checked my email, and there was a message from the agency saying our previo had been fixed! That's all it took to make me feel better. We aren't back in PGN yet, but I'm still really happy because this previo got fixed more quickly than I expected. Maybe things will start moving again.

Last night I dreamed about Kit. We had him home with us and I was feeding him and changing his diaper. It was one of the best dreams I've ever had. Then the dream changed and we were still waiting for him so my mom bought us a Cabbage Patch Doll to help with the wait! I thought it was great in the dream, but it was a little puzzling when I woke up...

Previo

2007-03-28T17:02:00.000-04:00

Well, we got our previo. Our agency told us that 90% of the cases get a previo, so it's not that surprising. Still, I didn't think it would take 12 WEEKS before we got ours! We were told the typical stay in PGN is 6-12 weeks. So of course on week 12 we get the email that we have a previo. No other information can be gleaned. They don't know what it's for, and they can't speculate on how long the process will take after we get back into PGN. Considering that our lawyer farted around for 3 months to get us into PGN in the first place, I'm not too optimistic. I'm wondering if Kit will be home for his first birthday...

Let's talk about something cheerful

2007-03-21T17:56:00.000-04:00

I've done enough whinging about missing my baby. Yeah, we all get it. I wish he was here and he's not. So now it's time to talk about something else.

I've applied for a new job! I just sent in the application, so it's still really early in the application. I am a school librarian in a small school that has Kindergarten through 12th grade. There are things I love about my job, but there are more things that I hate. The biggest thing is that Jack and I just aren't comfortable in this community. It is very conservative and not very tolerant. We are not willing to raise Kit here. If we have to stay a few more years it won't be the end of the world, but we need to be out before Kit starts school. There are kids at my school that use racial slurs against other kids who have dark hair. It's just not right for Kit (or anyone, I don't know where all this hate and fear comes from).

The job I'm applying for is in another state with a very different political climate. It is also only 20 minutes away from where both sets of grandparents live. This school is elementary only which is a plus and a minus. It would allow me to focus more, and be more of a specialist, but I would miss the teenagers. Seriously! I love them! Another nice thing about the potential job is that I went to school there when I was in elementary school. In fact, my first grade teacher still works there.

So anyway, I'm hoping this works out. I'll keep you all posted (no pun intended).

Blarg

2007-03-19T18:13:00.000-04:00

All this stuff about Guatemalan adoption going on now is making me sick to my stomach. See US Immigration to see what I'm talking about. We picked Guatemala in part because of the DNA testing of child and first mom. I figured that was a pretty good safeguard to make sure our adoption was ethical. Also the kids need homes so much! I'm scared for us, but I'm more scared for all the kids in Guatemala who will be left with nothing. Do I think adoption needs to be reformed? Definitely. I think our agency is pretty good. After all, they handled one of Angelin@ J0lie's adoptions (sarcasm). I don't know what to think. This post is really incoherent, but it reflects the way I feel right now. I want my baby home, but I want to be sure he is really mine.

Jack's Mom

2007-03-14T16:27:00.000-04:00

I want to write a post about my mother-in-law. She is just a wonderful person and I feel so lucky to be part of her family. Most people seem to have horrible MIL's for some reason, but I got a winner. When I came home today there was a package on our porch. It was the stroller that Jack and I had put on our registry but didn't get at our shower. Thank you! It really made my day to get that when I got home. Both Jack's parents have really helped us out so much during the adoption. The only difficulty is to keep them from giving us too much!

I feel that I have a special connection with my MIL (I'll call her M. to make it easier). When I first met Jack, in High School, I suffered from a chronic illness. M. suffers from a similar illness. When I think of everything that she goes through, it amazes me that she is as strong as she is. Yet she holds her whole family together with such love and care. Jack's extended family is a very close and loving family. We're so lucky to have that. Sure there is some dysfunction there, all families have that, but it's the way they care for each other through it that impresses me.

I know M. is suffering through this wait for Kit just like I am. For as long as I've known her, M. has been looking forward to grandchildren. I know she's going to be so happy when Kit's here.

Positive Thinking

2007-03-13T19:34:00.000-04:00

Today I decided to think positively. I said to myself, "I will get a call from my agency today at school, and they will tell me that we are out of PGN without any previos." So I repeated this a bunch of times in my mind. I even decided they would call during lunch just the way they did last time they called me at school (to tell me we were in PGN 10 weeks ago). So what happened? Well, at the end of lunch, the phone rang in the faculty room. It was for me! It was my husband! My heart was beating faster. I was sure that this was the call I was waiting for...

But no, Jack just called to tell me that his friend Jack (same name, very confusing, I know) was coming over later. It was nice of him to give me the warning, but I was disappointed.

The moral of the story? I should just go back to my normal pessimistic way of thinking. As Nero Wolfe says, optimists are forever getting disappointed, but pessimists are always pleasantly surprised.

Diapers

2007-03-08T15:25:00.000-05:00

I have to take pleasure in the little things. Jack and I decided to try cloth diapers and yesterday my order arrived from an online store. At first I wanted the All-In-Ones which are just like disposable diapers, only they're cloth. Then when I realized it would cost several hundred dollars to outfit our baby (although it would still be cheaper than disposable in the long run) I decided to look at the more economical options. We decided on using Indian prefold cotton with diaper covers. You fold up the squares of cotton, wrap them around the baby's bum and put the diaper cover over it all. There are no pins required if you get the right kind of diaper cover. So anyway, I had fun playing with the diapers, putting them away in the nursery, and imagining using them with Kit.

Isn't it kind of pathetic when you're reduced to daydreaming about changing diapers?

PGN is a pain

2007-03-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

I wish adoption weren't so complicated. I hate paperwork. We got a message from our agency that there may be a mistake on one of our forms because people in our state are idiots. We looked at our form and couldn't figure out if the mistake is there or not. It's all very complicated. Apparently the person who signs off on our background checks has a special seal and the form doesn't need to be notarized, but usually it is anyway, and then the person that does the certification certifies the signature but not the notarization. Confused? Imagine how we feel. So it appears to me that our notarization was properly certified, but I can't be sure so I have to call our agency and find out if we have to do our form over.

We're already redoing some other forms because some of our notaries expired and we want to have replacement forms ready to go just in case we get kicked out of PGN. Part of me is optimistic and thinks we'll just get through without having to do anything else, but most of me thinks we'll have a dozen previos and we won't be able to get Kit until he's 11 years old. I really want to get him before April break because then I'll have an extra paid week with him, but that's not very likely unless we get out of PGN like now! Which will probably not happen.

Another Snow Day

2007-03-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

We have another snowstorm here in the northeast. I got another day off from school so I decided to come into the public library to do a little blogging. I love snow. I was so depressed earlier this winter because we had nothing. Many people talked about how wonderful the winter was with no snow. Are they crazy? Why do they live up here if they don't like snow? I've never understood that. The whole point of this area is that it is cold and snowy in the winter. You can go skating, skiing, snowboarding, snowmobiling, sledding or just have snowball fights. For the record, I don't have a snowmobile, nor do I have any desire to get one, and I can't afford to go snowboarding anymore. I do love to skate and go cross-country skiing. I think there are some people who don't like any winter sports, and that may be why they hate it up here. Again, I have to ask, why don't you move somewhere warm? I myself would never choose to live in the south.

Our agency sent us an update and warned that cases are taking longer now. I guess an adoption coordinator was arrested on visa fraud charges. The US Embassy and PGN are looking at cases more carefully now. This translates to more time. The estimated time from referral to bringing a child home has extended from 6-8 to 8-9 months. Even the cases in progress are probably going to be slowed down. We have been in PGN about 8 weeks. I guess we have to expect that we won't be out before the end of April. It's so frustrating for us. I just want my baby home with me.

What am I doing during the wait? I read, I knit, and I play video games. Yes, I am a complete dork. I read fantasy and lots of kids books (I'm a librarian in a school remember), I knit baby things (gifts and stuff for Kit a sweater right now) and I'm playing Pikmin right now. It's a game for the GameCube. Jack wants to buy a Nintendo Wii, but I'm against it. It's a bit expensive (but not as expensive as the Playstation 3!) and I think when Kit comes home we won't have any time for video games anymore. We'll be lucky if we have time to sleep. So I'm trying to enjoy my lazy time now, but it's so hard because what I really want, is my boy.

The Agony of Waiting

2007-02-26T16:02:00.000-05:00

It's so hard to wait! I never realized how hard it would be. I knew, intellectually, that we would have a hard time when it came to the 6-8 months from referral to travel, but I never understood what it would really be like. I think about Kit constantly. There is baby stuff all over the house, a crib in our bedroom, a high chair in the kitchen, pictures in the living room and of course the nursery which we just painted Slicker Yellow. Every time I see one of those things I just go crazy.

It's also really hard at work where I swear not a day goes by without at least 2 people asking me if I've heard anything. Of course I haven't heard anything you idiots! If I had, I would be shouting it out to everyone! We just had a week of for February break and I dreaded going back today because I knew everyone would ask. No fewer than 8 people asked me today, including 3 of my students! I almost wish I hadn't told anyone yet, but it is hard to keep a secret, and I want to talk about it when I feel like it. But it just makes the wait that much harder when I have to keep repeating, "No, nothing yet."

For those of you who are wondering (and of course I didn't post for two months out of laziness and anger at my slow dial up connection) we are currently in PGN which is the Attorney General's office of Guatemala. The typical stay in PGN is 6-12 weeks according to my agency, but of course many people are in longer. We have been in about 7 weeks. After PGN we will need Kit's amended birth certificate (does anyone else think it's just wrong that his first parents get deleted and we're put on instead?) and then an appointment with the US embassy and we can go! We'll probably get about a week's notice before we need to be in Guate!

By the way, thank you everyone for the wonderful comments on my last post! It's so nice that there are sympathetic people online, especially when you work with people who are, to put it politely, somewhat ignorant. I wish I had the balls to educate them.

Humiliation

2007-02-18T09:29:00.000-05:00

I think I've mentioned that there are 4 pregnant women where I work. Well last Friday was J.'s last day before maternity leave so C (also pregnant) decided she wanted a picture of all the pregnant and "pseudo pregnant" (her words) women. I was pleased they wanted to include me, and I was happy to do it. It turned out that two of the pregnant women were out that day, so it ended up being only J, C, and me. Now for the humiliation. C insisted that I take a teddy bear and stick it up my shirt as a false belly. This just felt so wrong to me. I was embarrassed and felt like a little girl playing dress-up. I'm pretty shy and I don't like to make waves, so I just sucked it up and did it. I'm sure it made a funny picture, but I didn't like it. Also, can you imagine how agonizing it would have been if I had struggled with infertility or miscarriages? I think it was extremely insensitive of C. Lots of people just don't understand adoption.

Baby Shower!

2006-12-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday, Jack's mom and my mom threw us a baby shower. It was really wonderful! We had a sit down lunch with Guatemalan food. My mom went online to find recipes and cooked for 43 people. The food was great. It was funny because we really had mostly American-style food while we were visiting Kit in Gutemala. Jack's mom did the decorating. It was spectacular. She had tiny fir trees on every table decorated with tiny framed photos of Kit. Jack and I brought some weavings from Guatemala and we decorated with those too. Of course we got a whole lot of loot! Our families chipped in together for a beautiful Cherry crib from Target. We got lots of cute clothes and toys and books. We got several beautiful handmade quilts. It was a lot of fun, but both Jack and I have trouble being the center of attention. It's especially hard for me to accept so many gifts when I'm not giving anything to anybody. I am also sort of stoic, and it's hard for me to work up the proper amount of enthusiasm. It's not that I don't like the gifts, it's that I have a hard time showing it.

Anyway, now we have a lot of fun stuff to look at during the loooooong wait. We haven't had any word in a while about where our case is. When are we going to get into PGN???!!!!!?????

Thanksgiving Visit (Jill)

2006-12-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

While we were on our visit with Kit, I wrote some letters to him so I would be able to remember everything. Here they are (slightly edited to preserve anonymity):

11/21 5:40pm
I'm on the airplane on the way to see you Kit! I'm so excited. I can't wait. I'm also nervous. I'm afraid I might do something wrong. I want you to love me. I already love you so much, and I miss you.
We drove 2 hours from our town to the airport. It didn't take too long to get through security, even though they are so careful now. We had to wait a long time at the gate though. We were scheduled to board at 4:55, but they didn't let us on until 5:35. This flight is only 1/2 hour. The plane is tiny. There are 2 seats on one side of the aisle and only one on the other. I wonder how they keep the plane from tipping over? Your dad and I aren't sitting together. They seated us in different rows across the aisle from each other. I can hardly even see him. I wish I could sit with him, but it's only for half an hour.
I'm really excited about seeing Guatemala. It's strange to realize that I have never been to the country that you have spent your whole life in. I con't want you to ever forget Guatemala, or that you came from there. I hope you are proud of your heritage and your history. I hope that you don't grow up to hate us for taking you to another country.
I'm so happy that we will get to spend your firts Thanksgiving together. Thanksgiving is a time to get together with family. This is our chance to bond and get to know each other as a new family.
We're about to take off now. I love flying. I wonder what you will think about your first flight?

Love, Mama

11/22 9:25 am

Dear Kit,

We're on the plane to Guatemala. I'm super excited but also nervous. This is like a trial by fire. We won't have anyone to help us or to ask for advice. I just hope everything goes ok. I'm also worried about trying to speak Spanish. I really don't know much at all.

Your Mama

11/22 4:55 pm

We finally got to see you and hold you and kiss you! We've given you a bottle and changed your diaper. Right now you're sleeping and you're snoring a little bit. You have a bit of a cold. We've seen you yawn, burp, get the hiccups and smile, but you haven't cried yet. You are a very happy baby (at least today). You like to look at our faces and examine our hands. You like to kick your feet and grab them with your hands. you like to look at yourself in the mirror.
We first got to see you around 3:20. When we got to the hotel, around 2:00, we called D. to say we were here. She said she would be over in 5 minutes. Finally at least 45 minutes later she arrived with you. What an agonizing wait for us! I was tired too, because I got hardly any sleep last night at the airport.
I loved my first sight of your birth country. We came down out of the clouds and saw the vast green mountains with small villages clinging to the steep sides. Guatemala city is very big, all spread out among the mountains and deep gorges. The houses are adobe I think, and all painted different colors with tin roofs. The plants seem very exotic to me. Palm trees and beautiful flowers. Such a change from gray November in the Northeast!
Every now and then you flex your arms in your sleep and make a little noise. Daddy looks over to make sure you're ok.
You are the sweetest little baby I've ever seen.

Love, Mama

11/23 8:01 pm

Kit,

We had a quiet day together in the hotel. You are sleeping on the bed, and I'm next to you writing this. Daddy is ordering room service for our dinner. No Thanksgiving feast for us today!
We all had a difficult night last night. You pretty much refused to sleep in your crib. I think it was mostly your cold. You have a stuffy nose and it's a little hard for you to breathe. Also you have been coughing and sneezing, which is super cute but also sad because I don't want you to be sick. Anyway, last night Daddy and I took turns staying up with you, feeding, changing and rocking. Every time we tried to put you in the crib you started to fuss. We can't stand to let you fuss! I don't know if it was your cold, or the shock of being out of the Hogar with two people playing with you. Daddy and I both got a nap during the day though.
I've been wondering what you will be like when you grow up. You have very long fingers and toes. you like to grab things with your fingers and even your toes when we change you.. Your left ear has a crinkle in it that makes it look like you are an elf. I wonder if you'll always have that. You have very black hair that is about an inch and a half long in some places. Right now it is super soft and fine like down. I wonder what it will be like when you grow up? How will you want it cut? Buzzed short, or longer? Your eyebrows are soft and sprse, your eyelashes are very long and straight. Your eyes are very dark brown, so dark I can barely see your irises. I think your eyes will be very handsome when you get older.
I'm glad you are my son.
Love, Mama

11/24 7:08 pm

Dear Kit,

Daddy's bouncing the bed while you lie on a pillow. He's trying to get you to sleep. I don't know if you will, you slept a lot today. You've been kicking a whole lot, exercising your muscles for when you learn to crawl and walk.
You know what you did today? You peed on me! I had you on my lap, and all of a sudden I felt something wet between my lets. You had peed through your diaper, two layers of clothes, a blanket, and my skirt! I guess we didn't get the diaper on right. It's a good thing I packed extra clothes. We were planning on giving you a bath anyway, so I got into the tub to wash off. While I was runing the bath and getting stuff ready, Daddy had you up on the bathroom counter where we've been changing you. You pooped all over the counter and the changing mat and your clothes. Daddy cleaned up there while I gave you your bath. You liked the bath and your hair was so soft and fluffy after.
You are such a happy baby! you only fuss when you are wet or hungry. Otherwise you spend a lot of time smiling and even laughing. You like to play with the toys we brought for you. You like the books too. When I read to you, you really focus intently on the pictures. You also like to be changed. You grin and look at yourself in the mirror. Then you grab your feet or your clothes. I like changing your diaper, except when you pee after I take off the old diaper!
I love you so,
Mama

11/26 1:15 am
Mi hijo,
Our visit with you is over. It was so hard to leave you! I miss you so much and I'm already counting the days until I see you again. D. told us that our case is almost ready to go into PGN. She said you might come home in time for Valentine's Day!
This morning we expected D. to come get you at 9:00. We packed most everything up and dressed you in a super cute striped outfit. We ran out of formula and were getting pretty nervous, but just as you started to get fussy D. came to pick you up. I didn't want to give you up.
After you were gone I felt kind of depressed. daddy and I had breakfast at the mall in our hotel. They have mostly American chains in the mall including the food court. They even had a Taco Bell! I thought that was funny. We had bagels with eggs, American cheese and salsa from Bagel Factory. Yummy! Then we went to the airport. I took some pictures of the city from the suttle bus because we never left the hotel. D. said it wasn't safe and we probably wouldn't have taken you out with your cold anyway.
We bought a lot of things at the airport. Some weavings to decorate our baby shower, xmas presents and some toys for you. We weren't able to get to a real mercado, so the airport was our only chance to buy some traditional crafts.
We saw three babies going home with their new families on our flight. I as super jealous of them! I wished I had you with us!
Daddy and I were separated on the plane again. Poor Daddy is ver sick with a cold. We haven't had much sleep this week. You seemed to be getting over your cold though. You weren't as stuffy today.
Right now we're spending the night in the Newark airport. Wen we bring you home, we will spring for a hotel, but for just Daddy and me it doesn't seem worth it.
I miss you very much. I hope you are sleeping happily tonight!
Love, Mama

Thanksgiving Visit (Jack)

2006-11-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

After a solid 24 hours of flying and waiting in airports, we arrived in Guatemala City last Wednesday for our first visit with Kit (I want to write about Guatemala City, but it'll have to wait). When we got to our hotel, we called D, the director of Kit's hogar and waited for her to bring him over. It was an anxious wait down in the lobby, made more awkward by the fact that we didn't know what D looked like and four foster mothers showed up with babies before she did. They must of thought we were just really friendly people with all the eager smiles and greetings we kept giving them.

D was in the middle of moving the hogar and unfortunately didn't have much time to stay and visit. She filled us in about Kit's feeding schedule and had to run off. We brought him up to our room and spent time getting to know each other. Kit is a very happy, beautiful baby. He was very interested in all the new sights in the hotel and these two new people that were taking care of him. He was also quick to smile at a friendly face or word.

I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep in the last day of traveling and Jill hadn't gotten much more, so we decided to go to bed early. However, when we went to put Kit in the crib the hotel had given us he fussed and started to cry. He didn't want to be put down. We tried to calm him down in the crib, but he'd get upset as soon as we left his sight. I manage to rock him to sleep in my arms, but he woke right back up when I put him down in the crib. We ended up taking turns sitting up and holding him all night. We didn't get much sleep, but he did. The second night was more of the same, but by the third night we figured out how to get him to sleep safely on the bed with us and we all managed to get more sleep.

Kit's feeding schedule normally required a bottle of formula every three hours or so for most of the day, but he seemed to be fighting off a cold so we fed him more often to get liquids in his body. I have to say, I think we did a good job taking care of him for the three days we had him. He only got upset to the point of loud crying twice and we were able to calm him down quickly both times. He loved looking at new things and would stare intently out the window or at the bathroom mirror when we changed him or the toys and board books we brought along.

While I was glad to leave the hotel (I'm more of a self-serve, home-body person) at the end of the trip, it was hard to say goodbye to Kit. It made it easier to know that we'll see him again in December, but I got the feeling I used to get when I would drop Jill back off at her college after spending the weekend together back when we weren't married. I just can't wait to get him home.

Halloween and Waiting (Jack)

2006-11-03T08:05:00.000-05:00

We had a pretty quiet Halloween. We live on a pretty quiet road in a small town and we only had a handful of groups of trick-or-treaters stop by. I can't help but think that Halloween will be more fun again when Kit is old enough to get dressed up and go out.

Jill and I were talking to our next door neighbor in the afternoon before the kids started coming by. He has two little boys at home, and I asked if the older one would be going trick-or-treating. He told us that yes he was, though he had several different costumes and wasn't sure what he'd be going as yet. Then as he was heading off, he said "You'll find out about that soon enough. You're kid may be foreign, but he'll learn the American customs pretty quick." Jill and I didn't say anything. We didn't really know what to say. Our neighbor's a nice guy and has been really well, neighborly to us so I think we wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was an awkward attempt at saying something like "All kids love Halloween". I think we need to make up a game plan for dealing with these sort of comments in the future.

The blog has been kinda slow lately. Jill has been good about doing updates, but I haven't had much to write about. We're in the middle of the long wait between the mad paper rush and bringing Kit home, so mostly we're trying to kill time right now.

The good news is that in about three weeks, we'll be visiting Kit for Thanksgiving! This trip has seemed off in the distance for so long, but now it's almost upon us. We're both anxiously awaiting it! And I imagine that when we get back, we'll have plenty to write about.

Confiding in Strangers

2006-10-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to Michael's to buy a scrapbook for Kit. Most baby books available are completely unsuitable for adoption (The first time we saw the ultrasound!) so I decided to make one myself. I bought a really cute little baby boy scrapbook that has all kinds of fun stickers and cute paperclips and pretty paper. Everything is blue and green, but I will add other colors.

When I got to cashier, she admired the scrapbook so I decided to tell her I was adopting. I also showed her the photo of Kit I keep in my purse for just such an occasion (on a side note I've been reading Jane Austen and I think I've picked up a tiny bit of her style). The cashier admired Kit's photo and said,

"My sister adopted. She couldn't have babies of her own, so they decided to adopt."

Then she asked where Kit was now. I told her he is in Guatemala.

"Oh, his life will be so much better here! They have such terrible lives there."

Trying not to vomit, I calmly replied that there is a lot of poverty in Guatemala. I didn't want to actually get in a fight with the woman, especially since she thought she was being nice.

She replied, "Yes, we don't have poverty in America."

I just got myself out of the store and told Jack about it in the car. What bothers us most about that kind of comment is the assumption that the United States is superior to every other country. We have plenty of problems of our own here. U.S. citizens are not superior to citizens of other nations.

Babies Babies Babies!

2006-10-26T16:26:00.000-04:00

There are four pregnant teachers at my school. I guess that wouldn't be very much for a huge school, but my tiny little rural school only has 40 teachers. That means that 10% of the teachers are pregnant. Plus me adopting!

Even though I didn't experience infertility, I still get little pangs sometimes when I hear the other teachers talking about pregnancy stuff. Normally I don't have any desire to experience pregnancy. I really feel that adoption is the way I want to go, and we'll probably do it again after Kit gets home. Still, sometimes I feel that I might be missing something.

For all those little babies that are coming I'm knitting hats. I found some beautiful hand dyed yarn at my local yarn store. It is multi-colored with beautiful soft green, blue, purple, yellow and red. It knits up to look like stained glass. If I have extra yarn I might make a sweater for Kit. I already knitted him some little red pants. I can't wait til he's home to wear them!

Our Little Hunter

2006-10-21T13:29:00.000-04:00

The other night, Jill woke me from a deep sleep to let me know one of our cats had a mouse in the bedroom. We have two cats and lately one of them has been found with an awful lot of dead mice (and one sparrow, which I can't explain because they're strictly indoor cats). I'm not sure if we're just having an influx of mice since winter's on its way or if she's been really working on her hunting skills. Actually, it's also possible she's just stealing the mice from our other cat, since she's a bit of a bully.

At any rate, she's been bringing her catches into the bedroom so she can bat them around while we're trying to sleep. Everytime this happens, we chase her out of the room hoping she'll finish with the mouse elsewhere. She gives a little growl since she thinks we actually want the mouse for ourselves and runs off. Once we get back into bed, she's back in the room, tossing the mouse around and having a great time.

When this happened the other night, we shut the bedroom door after she was out of the room. A little while later, she was outside scratching and sounding a little upset that we had the gall to shut her out of her bedroom.

Pre-Approval and Flowers- What a Great Day!

2006-10-13T16:53:00.000-04:00

We got our pre-approval today! That means that Family Court in Guatemala gave its approval to our adoption and we can move forward. They almost always approve the adoptions, so we weren't worried about that, but it's nice to know we can move on to the next step. Now our case will move into the PGN which is the Attorney General's Office in Guatemala. I don't know how long this will take. It varies a lot because if there is a typo, or misspelling, or a Notary's commission has expired, the case will be kicked out. Then we would have to correct the mistake and submit our case to PGN again. Some of our notary commissions expire in February, so we really hope our case gets through PGN before then!

The other great thing that happened to me today is that a student brought me flowers. A few weeks ago J. got in some trouble with the police, for vandalism, and he asked me to write a letter to the judge. I was happy to write the letter because J. has always been a great guy when he's in my library. Yesterday J. had his hearing and some charges were dropped and he only has to pay a fine. I'm glad he got off lightly because he is really not a bad kid. Anyway, the flowers were a thank you for the letter I wrote. Which just goes to show what a thoughtful guy he is!

What's in a Name?

2006-10-10T15:53:00.000-04:00

Writing about how we decided to name our son without using any of the real names involved might be tricky, but I'm going to give it a try (Note: if you want to skip a lot of yammering about philosophies of naming and just see how we decided to name Kit, skip the next four paragraphs).

I've often noticed two main schools of adoption philosophy when I'm reading blogs and books, and I think the philosophy a parent leans towards can have a big effect on how they decide to handle naming. The first school is the philosophy of normalization, which is a reaction to the mainstream misconceptions that adoption is second best to having children biologically. This school wants to show the world that there's nothing weird about adoption and that adopted kids are just as important and just as loved as biological kids. The second school is the philosophy of reform, which sees that there's room for improvement in the ethics of adoption and strives to make progress in correcting where things have gone wrong. I think parents can belong to both schools, which is why I say "lean towards" one or the other and if you throw in other issues like race, it opens up whole new avenues of thought. I'm going to say right now that I think every parent has to make up their own mind on how they're going to handle it. I don't think our choice would be the best choice for everyone else.

The first choice is to completely change the child's first, middle and last names. Unless a child's older when they're adopted, I think most people change their son or daughter's last names to show that the child has become a member of the family. Changing the first and middle name can be an extension of that thought. It symbolizes that "this is now our child" no different from a child that enters the family biologically and follows the normalization philosophy. Of course, this isn't the only reason parents may decide to change their child's full name. In the case of some international adoptions, the birth name may not cross over well into the new culture. If a parent has grown up with an unusual, hard-to-pronounce name themselves, they may not want their child to go through the same ordeal. It's also possible that adoptive parents might have concerns about how other kids are going to react to the name when the child gets older and they'll change the name to prevent later teasing. It could also be that parents have just always loved certain names and just want to give them to their child.

Another option is to keep the child's name (usually changing the last name, though). In the philosophy of reform, this might be an act of respect towards the first parent(s), who go through so much suffering when they decide to place their child for adoption. Another way of thinking about it, is that the child's name is often the only thing they're bringing with them from their country/culture of origin, and parents might not change it so the child has some memento of what they've left behind. It's also possible that adoptive parents just fall in love with the child's given name or coincedently it was the name they were planning on using.

There's also a range of choices that fall in between the first two options. In the case of international/cultural adoptions, parents might decide to change the name, but use a name from the child's birth culture. They might change the first name, but make the surname of the child's first parent(s) the middle name. I think the most common decision and what we decided to do ourselves is to change the child's first name, but keep the original first name as the middle name.

Like Jack and Jill, Kit is a pseudonym and in Kit's case, it represents the first name we decided to give him. Kit's first name (not legally changed yet) is a name we've liked since before we even got married. It also happens to be a name used in English, German, French and Spanish-speaking countries, which covers most of the backgrounds of everyone in our budding family. There was more behind the decision to make Kit's given first name his middle name. While we were working on our adoption, Jill would visit photo lists of waiting children to ease her growing impatience. We had talked about giving our future child a Spanish name, but there were two she wasn't comfortable with. Both were very religious and one Jill felt became feminine in English (which is how a lot of people are going to read it here in the U.S.). When we got our referral, Kit's first name was the latter of the two I just alluded to. For a while, Jill wanted to keep Kit's original middle name as the middle name, but I convinced her to keep the first name, since it's likely that name meant the most to Kit's first mom (and honestly I like it better than his original middle name). We also talked about maybe fitting some other parts of his original full name in there, but since he's already going to have to deal with a hyphenated last name (we both hyphenated when we were married), we thought we'd better keep it short.

I should say that while we're keeping Kit's full legal name short, we'll always let him know that he has twice as many names as most other people. If he decides to change any of them legally when he gets older, or just decides to go by his original first name, we'll be fine with it. They're his names and he can decide what to do with them.

Reactions to the News

2006-10-06T19:05:00.000-04:00

When I mention that we're adopting, the most common response is, "My cousin (sister, friend, acquaintance) adopted a baby!" It seems that everyone in the world is touched by adoption. I like the feeling that adoption is no longer a shameful secret. It's becoming a normal, acceptable way to build a family.

Most people I told assumed that we had experienced infertility. The adults were too polite to ask, but my students will say anything: "Can't you have your own kids?" Although the assumption that a child that I did not give birth to is not my "own" is hurtful, I am not offended when these kids say this. I know that they do not mean to be rude, it's just ignorance. I see it as an opportunity to educate them.

A comment that troubles me more is when people say, "Isn't he a lucky baby!" This really bothers me because I know the person who says it means it as a compliment. However, I do not think Kit is "lucky" to have us as his parents. No matter how you look at it, adoption involves tragedy. Kit has lost his first parents already. When we bring him to the U.S. he will lose his culture, his language, his roots and his sense of fitting in. I truly believe that his life with Jack and me will be better than growing up in poverty or living in an orphanage, but no one can deny that he will have to live with those losses.

One fourth grade student saw the picture of Kit that I keep on my desk.
"Who's baby is that?" He asked.
"Oh, that's the baby I'm adopting from Guatemala," I told him.
"That's so good of you!"
Some people seem to think that anyone who adopts is some sort of saint. I hardly think I am a saint! I just decided I wanted a child, and this was the way chose to do it. I will be a regular parent like any other.

I've gotten the "you're doing it the easy way" comment a couple of times from women who have given birth. Physically, yes, I'm getting off easy. Emotionally, however, I think the adoption process is probably just as demanding as giving birth. I can't really judge, because this is the only way I've done it, but I know the waiting is extremely hard for me. I am not a patient person.

Overall, the comments I've gotten have been overwhelmingly positive. People always seem excited and interested when they find out. I have not gotten any overtly hostile comments at all.

SAHD

2006-09-29T14:20:00.000-04:00

A week ago, American Family posted about the security and being a Stay-At-Home Mom. It was an interesting post and made me think I should write a little about our plans for child care when Kit comes home.

Jill is the bread-winner in our household. For while when we were struggling more I was actually making a little more, but since Jill finished grad school, she's been making what we both use to make combined. Add in her benefits and it only makes sense for her to stay at work when the baby comes home (luckily her schedule gives her summers off, a few weeks of vacation during the rest of the year and no late nights).

This means at the very least, I'm going to be a part-time Stay-At-Home Dad, and depending on how things work out, maybe full-time. I have mixed feelings about this. Well, maybe not quite mixed - about ninety-five perscent of me is excited about the idea of being home and taking care of Kit. The other five percent is self-conscious about not bringing home the bacon and a little worried about the idea of not having any income of my own. The SAHD thing isn't completely alien to me. My dad occassionally stayed home with us kids when work was scarce and my mom was the one with the reliable income and benefits. The difference was my dad did work that he hated for years to help support the family, while that small part of me feels like I'll just be slacking off if I don't have a paying job. Of course I realize taking care of Kit is going to be a full-time job in itself, but there's a little old-fashioned male guilt playing in my head too.

The Referral

2006-09-25T18:11:00.000-04:00

Once all the paperwork was finished, all we could do was wait for the referral. Our agency told us it would take from 1-4 months for our referral. What an agonizing wait! However, we were lucky. We got our paperwork in on July 24th and received our referral on August 28th.

Jack was at work when the phone rang. I could tell from the caller ID that it was our caseworker, S, from our agency.
"I have good news from Guatemala!" She said.

She told us that Kit had been born on July 30th (which is exactly 6 months from my birthday!), that he was healthy and living in an Hogar (orphanage). She said she was Fed Ex-ing us the medical information and a picture. I called up Jack and said "It's a boy!" It was the most exciting moment of my life so far. Then I called my parents.

The next day Jack didn't have to work so we waited all day for the Fed Ex truck. Every time a truck drove by we ran to look out the window. The truck finally arrived at about 1:30. I gotta say seeing that picture of my son was incredible. It was hard for me to realize that he was actually a real person, alive and in this world, but I didn't know him yet. Along with two photos, the referral included some brief medical information, height and weight, and Kit's birth certificate. The birth certificate listed Kit's mother, but had no information on his father.

Although this was an incredibly wonderful, joyful time for us, I thought of Kit's first mother and how she must be feeling so sad. He was only a month old when we found out about him and I thought that his mother was probably not even fully recovered physically, and I'm sure the emotional scars will last forever.

I would like to meet her someday, but I don't know if that will be possible. Adoptions in Guatemala are essentially closed right now. However, I think about the fact that US adoptions were closed 30 years ago but people have been able to search and find each other and heal themselves that way. Maybe when Kit is older things will have changed enough that he will be able to meet and have a relationship with his first mother.

Well Jack talked about the DNA which was the next step, so that brings us up to the present. Right now we are waiting for Family Court in Guatemala and then the PGN (Attorney General's Office). We hope to visit Kit in November and go to pick him up somewhere between February and April. I can't wait to hold him in my arms!

The Great Paper Chase

2006-09-21T16:08:00.000-04:00

When I first started investigating international adoptions, I had a very unrealistic expectation of how long it would take. I saw the estimates for Guatemalan adoption taking 5-7 months and I thought, Hey, we'll have a baby by next summer!" Now, 8 months later, we still have 5-7 months to go! What the sources I looked at didn't tell me is that it would take 5-7 months after the referral. They didn't tell me how long it would take for a homestudy (which was unusually long in our case) or for getting together our dossier.

The dossier is a huge packet of documents that all have to be notarized, certified, and authenticated. It took us several months to get all that together. We had to have birth and marriage certificates, letters of employment, health letters from the doctor, proof from the cops that we aren't criminals, two letters of reference, fifteen photographs of our house, family and ourselves and a whole bunch of legal documents like Power of Attorney and some others I don't even remember. Most of these documents had to be notarized, and let me tell you, it's a pain to get a notarized letter from a doctor. After we had gathered everything, we had to have the notarizations certified by the county and the state. We drove all over the state to get this done because I didn't trust the mail, and I wanted it to go more quickly. After everything was certified, we had to send it to the Guatemalan consulate to be authenticated. Each time we got a document notarized, certified, and authenticated, we had to pay a fee.

I don't want to discourage anyone, but I want to be honest: If I had known before I started how much work it would be, I might not have done it. However, by the time we found out exactly what was required for the dossier, we had already invested a lot of time and money in the process. I'm telling you this now because I know that when I have Kit in my arms I will forget how much work it was. I think it's the same kind of thing that happens to women who give birth. They forget the pain and decide to do it again.

To tell you the truth, Jack and I already talk about what we're going to do for our second adoption.

DNA Test

2006-09-21T11:21:00.000-04:00

We should have posted this earlier, but we received the results of the maternity test given to Kit and his first mother the other day. It was a 99.99% match, which I'm pretty sure is as close to 100% as these tests get. The reason they perform a DNA test is to make sure the woman placing the child for adoption is actually the biological mother of the child.

It was mixed news. Happy news for us as it means we're that much closer to bringing Kit home, but we also reminded ourselves of how hard each of the steps of terminating her parental rights must be for Kit's first mom.

Homestudy

2006-09-18T17:02:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons I'm writing this blog is to share our adoption process with people who might be considering adoption themselves (or actively working on adoption). I love to read other adoption blogs to find out what the process was like for other people. I always get jealous if their adoption went really fast! So anyway, this post is about the obligatory homestudy.

Once we decided to adopt, I did tons of research. As a librarian, that is usually my first step. I read books, searched online, and talked to people. I discovered that the first step is to do a homestudy. This is a series of interviews with a social worker where they try to determine if you are fit to parent a child. We chose an agency that was semi-local. We live in a rural area, and the closest agency we could find was an hour and a half away! Now I know that we could have worked with an agency farther away and found a social worker near us to do the actual homestudy.

Anyway, we were very happy with our agency. Our social worker was a really nice woman but it's hard to get too comfortable with anyone when you feel that she holds your fate in her hands. I remember wondering if I was making too much eye contact, or nodding too much when she talked. I really wanted to make a good impression and prove myself fit to be a mother.

We met with the SW 6 times in all. First we had an informational meeting where we found out about the agency. That was in November of 2005. It took us a few weeks to decide that we wanted to go ahead with the adoption and work with that agency. The next meeting was in January of 2006. We talked about our reasons for adopting and discussed the different countries we could work with. At the next meeting we talked about our style of discipline. After that we each met with the SW separately to talk about our relationship and childhood. The final meeting was in our house. That one was the most nervewracking. Our house has never been so clean. After it was over though, I realized I had been so obsessed with cleaning the house that I hadn't cleaned the kitty litter in at least 3 days. With two cats, that made for a smelly box! Luckily, the SW did not look at our basement where the kitty box is kept. I don't think that one thing would have prevented us from being approved as adoptive parents, but you never know...

In all our homestudy took about 4 months and it took the SW another month to write up the report. We finally got our final homestudy report in June 2006. It took an unusually long time. I've seen other people who had theirs done in 6 weeks. Our agency was small, and they had a lot of people wanting to adopt at the same time. Jack was very forgiving and understanding, but I found it harder to be patient.

Some people who adopt feel that the homestudy is really invasive and they feel that it's unfair that they have to go through it when other people can just have a kid. I didn't really feel this way. In fact, I liked the fact that I was approved by a social worker. I really think it would be good if everyone had to talk about discipline and other issues before they had kids. I feel like Jack and I are slightly more prepared to deal with kids than some people are.

Mommy Daddy Blog

2006-09-18T08:16:00.000-04:00

Jill and I love reading adoption/parenting blogs. They're fun to read and every now and then they make us think about an aspect of adoption in a new way. We're constantly looking for new ones to bookmark.

Most blog's we've come across are written by one parent (usually a mom). I think it can be really useful for one parent to have their own forum to discuss adoption and parenting, and honestly most of my favorite blogs are mom blogs. Part of the reason Jill and I decided to start this blog though, was we thought the niche for cooperative, two-parent blogs could use some more filling. We're both going to try to make regular posts on this blog. Sometimes we'll each give our perspective on the same events and issues; other times we might be writing about entirely different things. Our hope is that the two points of view will make it interesting.

Coming to Adoption

2006-09-17T09:44:00.000-04:00

How we came to the decision to adopt was a mix of long-time planning, common sense and luck.

Jill first brought up the possibility of adoption years ago, before we were even married. Since we met in high school, but didn't get married until after we were both out of college, we had a long courtship and plenty of time to talk about what we both wanted for our future. At that time, I was thinking we'd have one or two babies biologically and then adopt. Adoption wasn't a noticable part of my growing up as it was with Jill (although I later realized it actually was, just not in the traditional sense - my best friend and one of my cousins were both adopted by their step-fathers). Biological babies were the "norm" in my childhood, so I assumed we'd go that route first. Over the years as we talked about adoption more, I started to realize a biological link wasn't important to me and I'd be excited about either path we might follow toward our future family.

It wasn't until this last year that kids became a possibility, though. We'd spent the first couple years after college in low wage jobs and then for a couple more years Jill was in grad school to get her Masters in Information Science so she could become a school librarian. We never had the money or the time to bring a child into the picture. When Jill graduated and actually became a librarian suddenly we could start seriously thinking about having kids.

By now we were anxious to start our family. We talked about biological kids and trying to time the pregnancy so it'd happen in the summer and Jill would be out of school (of course we realized the chances of this actually happening were minute). We also started talking about adoption again. In the end, it wasn't a sense of duty or charity that interested us in adoption. We wanted to raise kids, a genetic link wasn't important to us, and there are kids in the world who don't have homes - adoption was just common sense. Unfortunately, the fees involved ruled it out for us at the time. Then a couple months later we lucked into a one-time windfall of money that suddenly made adoption possible. It seemed like fate.

Deciding to Adopt

2006-09-17T09:18:00.000-04:00

Our story is not one of infertility. In fact, Jack and I have never tried to conceive a child. Before we were even married we talked about adoption. I have several cousins who were adopted, and it always seemed normal to me. I have been interested in pursuing adoption to build my family since I was a child.

In the fall of 2005 Jack and I decided we were ready to start a family. We briefly discussed trying for a biological child, but quickly decided that we wanted to do an adoption at least for our first child. Our feeling was there are so many children out there who need homes, and we can provide one. Why bring a new child into this already overpopulated world?

Our next step was to figure out which type of adoption to pursue. Domestic, international, or foster care? Although I was tempted by foster care, because I know those children have the hardest time finding homes, I was a bit intimidated. I wanted to parent an infant and being a first time mom, I wasn't sure I could do a great job with a child who had experienced trauma, as most children in foster care have. As for domestic, I was afraid that with the birth mother choosing the parents, and Jack and I not having experienced fertility, no one would want to choose us and we would have to wait a long time. So it was international. Now we needed to find a country. Several countries had restrictions that ruled us out. We weren't old enough for China, not infertile enough for Columbia, and not religious enough for the Philippines. We ruled out Russia and Kazakhstan because of our fear of poorly staffed orphanages and two trips to travel. After we had narrowed it down to Korea or Guatemala, we had a very hard time picking. We finally decided on Guatemala because it is closer to the US and cheaper to travel there. We really want to take our child back to Guatemala to visit, perhaps multiple times.

Next post I will talk about our homestudy and the paperchase.